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<title>i have this breath (and i hold it tight) by capt_snoozles</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28450860">i have this breath (and i hold it tight)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/capt_snoozles/pseuds/capt_snoozles'>capt_snoozles</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>LUNGS - hanahaki au's [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Avatar: The Last Airbender</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Azula (Avatar) Redemption, Bisexual Jin (Avatar), F/F, Fluff, Hanahaki Disease, Hurt Azula, Hurt/Comfort, I might add more tags as I go, Lesbian Azula (Avatar), Slow Updates, azula has hanahaki disease, post-redemption azula</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 22:29:38</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>942</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28450860</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/capt_snoozles/pseuds/capt_snoozles</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Had she been raised differently, Azula may have recognised the beginning of her downfall.</p>
<p>Instead she was startled awake with a harsh cough, her throat closing around nothing as she struggled to pull air into her lungs. </p>
<p>The 19 year old was glad to not have a roommate as she attempted to get her body back under control, eyes watering as the pain in her chest seemed to sharpen with each hacking cough before she was suddenly choking on something soft.</p>
<p>Hunching over, she covered her mouth as her lungs continued to remove whatever was cutting off her air before, with a retch, she felt something fall between her teeth and land in her shaking palm. </p>
<p>It was soft and velvety, damp with spit and bile.</p>
<p>A daffodil.</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>OR: jinzula hanahaki!au because i really love hanahaki disease at the moment</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Azula &amp; Iroh (Avatar), Azula &amp; Zuko (Avatar), Azula/Jin (Avatar), background mailee - Relationship</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>LUNGS - hanahaki au's [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2083920</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>25</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>i have this breath (and i hold it tight)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Azula's years in the psychiatric ward of Caldera's top hospital had taught her that life didn't have to be a competition. That emotions weren't weaknesses, losing wasn't a death penalty, and that it was okay to fall down every once in awhile. That it was okay to be human.</p>
<p>She had learned these lessons well, though it had been a difficult road to unlearning everything her father drilled into her. She knew now she had been manipulated, and had never been considered an actual human being by Ozai. Perhaps she had always known.</p>
<p>4 years of therapy didn't erase 15 years of psychological abuse, but it helped her understand the differences between right and wrong. Taught her that empathy and understanding were just as valuable tools as intimidation and manipulation. </p>
<p>But, no matter the progress she made, there were certain things about Azula that were simply who she was.</p>
<p>She would not show weakness, for fear of it being used against her. She preferred to be in control of everything in her life and tended to be wary of the unknown. She was a perfect actress; perhaps the only thing she inherited from her mother.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I went on a date last weekend! It was really nice.” Ty Lee chirped, fiddling with her braid with a slightly dreamy look on her face. Azula pulled on a smile. Kept her hands still. Ignored the strange sinking feeling in her gut.</p>
<p>“Oh? Where did you go?” She wouldn’t show any weakness. </p>
<p>“We went to that nail place along the foreshore!” With a flourish, Ty Lee pushed her hand outwards to show off her new nails. They were all a dusty rose, except for the pointer fingers which were cream. Azula made a noise of awe to show her appreciation for them, leaning forward to inspect them closer. They really were beautiful, and they suited Ty Lee nicely.</p>
<p>“They suit you.” She admitted aloud, refusing to look at her own unpainted nails.</p>
<p>Ty Lee beamed and Azula ached.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Had she been raised differently, Azula may have recognised her downfall sooner. </p>
<p>“Mai?” She questioned softly, eyes locked on the dark eyes of her old friend. Said friend nodded shortly, offering a smile that seemed foreign on her lips.</p>
<p>“Azula, it’s been awhile.”<br/><br/>“Two months.” Azula offered, unable to identify the feeling blooming in her chest. Surprise? Happiness? She’d grown used to expecting Ty Lee; the bubbly acrobat visited at least once a week. But Mai kept her visits spread out and random.</p>
<p>She was slower to forgive than Ty Lee afterall. Azula respected that. The girls inability to be easily swayed from her decisions is one of the reasons Azula had valued her friendship; back before all she valued was the friendship itself.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry about that. It’s good to see you though.” Mai seemed genuine enough and Azula pushed back the voice that whispered suspicions of treachery. </p>
<p>
  <em>Mai is a friend. She was in her right to stop me at the Boiling Rock. I should be grateful she visits at all.</em>
</p>
<p>Azula slipped on her paper smile, briefly wishing she could offer her old friend a real one, and nodded. “It’s good to see you as well.”</p>
<p>With the greetings out of the way, Azula let her gaze wander back to Ty Lee, something warm curling in her chest.</p>
<p>“Would you two like some tea?”</p>
<p>They nodded and sat in the seat across from Azula, their thighs brushing and knees turned slightly inwards. Azula noticed, and the warm feeling in her chest quickly turned cold.</p>
<p>She quietly went about pouring the tea leaves into the pot, gently cradling the ceramic between her palms and heating the water slowly. Her fingers glowed orange, the fire beneath her skin shining outwards and snaking up her forearms. </p>
<p>She didn’t voice her thoughts (<em>her fears</em>) until she’d poured each of them a cup.</p>
<p>“How long have the two of you been together?” Briefly, she recalled Ty Lee’s excited confession a few weeks earlier and the ache sharpened on her next inhale.</p>
<p>Both girls knew better than to question how Azula had figured it out. She’d always been observant; though she was still learning not to use it as a weapon.</p>
<p>It was Mai who answered, her voice calm and protective. “A few months.”</p>
<p>
  <em> Months. </em>
</p>
<p>“I see.” Azula murmured, sipping her tea to give herself a moment to swallow against the hitch in her breath. She looked up and smiled. “I’m happy for you.”</p>
<p>Ty Lee’s expression cleared with relief and Azula’s stomach twisted. “Thank you Azula! Your blessing means everything to us!”</p>
<p>The spent the rest of their visit filling Azula in on how their relationship started; and then moved on to their own separate lives. Often, Azula was unable to look away from where their hands were entwined, or how Ty Lee’s smile seemed to soften when she looked at Mai.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Had she been raised differently, Azula may have recognised the beginning of her downfall.</p>
<p>Instead she was startled awake with a harsh cough, her throat closing around nothing as she struggled to pull air into her lungs. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The 19 year old was glad to not have a roommate as she attempted to get her body back under control, eyes watering as the pain in her chest seemed to sharpen with each hacking cough before she was suddenly choking on something soft.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hunching over, she covered her mouth as her lungs continued to remove whatever was cutting off her air before, with a retch, she felt something push past her teeth and land in her shaking palm. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was soft and velvety, damp with spit and bile.</p>
<p>A daffodil.</p>
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